I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
