Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
