I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
