she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
4 words: hood of his car
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
