idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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