Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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