first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize