I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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