I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
