As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
