Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also, beer. Big fan.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
