I will die if light touches me.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
