Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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