I want to make a zoo with you.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
