you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
