I wish I could punch you in the face.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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