Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
