i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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