You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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