I puked a lego.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
