i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
