maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
