$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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