a search helicopter?!
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
