At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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