Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
