Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
