He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Mom said you looked used
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
