I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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