I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
