i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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