I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm passing your future prison.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
