He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
