How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize