What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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