you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
