you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
