god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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