A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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