True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
