Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
