We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
