If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
