His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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