Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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