and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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