Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
