I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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