She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
