1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
