he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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