Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
