I must be too annoying 4 u.
My nipple is on Facebook.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize