I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
