Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
