like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize