I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize