im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
