apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
