You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
