What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
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