I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize