Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize