A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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