I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
