If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
