This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
