1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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