Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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