11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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